6.17.04 LOS ANGELES DODGERS vs BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Great game. Great Beltre. Great Gagne.
But, first, a quick word on the Lesbian Tickets.
There is, of course, a hierarchy to the tickets that we don’t pay for. At the top, at least at Chavez Ravine, comfortably rest the ever-elusive Lesbian Tickets.
Let me break it down:
FRIEND’S WORK TICKETS: Generally lame. Even if the company has money, whoever is doing the buying has probably never been to Dodger Stadium.
SOME OLD GUY’S SEASON TICKETS: Okay. You’re probably on loge level. Probably a pretty good view. Definitely in the sun or looking directly into the sun.
AGENT’S SEATS: Very good. Loge level. Right behind the dug-out, off the 3rd base line. Just under the lip of the upper-level which means shade and comfort and an un-obstructed view of the entire game. And, if you get there early, you can watch the single players working the ladies.
DAVE HANSEN’S SEATS: These are very good. They are on the loge level and dead center behind home-plate. Again, they are just inside of the comfort-zone of shade created by the upper level. And you get to sit with the players’ wives.
SUPER-AGENT’S SEATS: Fantastic. Field-level just outside of the netting. And the sun? Who cares about the sun when you’re sitting next to the guys with the speed guns? (In my experience, these will be CAA head-honcho Mike Ovitz’ seats and you will be treated to a 14-inning victory over the Mets AND get your shoulder on the Jumbotron when the hottie next to you is filmed singing during the second 7th inning stretch.)
THE LESBIAN TICKETS: A quick history lesson for those of you who don’t remember: about five years ago, a lesbian couple was necking (field level, 1st base side) and the homophobic patrons around them complained. The flustered ushers asked them to leave. These girls’ boots had not even touched the parking lot before the Dodger organization was on the phone to every Gay and Lesbian group in the city offering up free tickets. Some 200 tickets were given out that day.
These tickets were so good that the notoriously cantankerous Gay Alliances of L.A. never made a stink. In fact, they praised the Dodger organization in the press.
I often dream about these tickets. Where are they? Are they in the dugout? Which dugout? Or in a third dugout we don’t even know exists! Maybe there is an invisible section of seats at Dodger stadium where lesbians are doing all kinds of hot lesbianic shit all the time!
Or perhaps, holding one of these tickets allows you to move like a ghost, unseen and unheard, throughout the stadium, onto the field, leaning over Lo Duca as a fast-ball hits his glove, lounging on the grass as Glenn Hoffman sends Roberts home, or peering right into Gagne’s eyes as that breaking ball gets called a strike for the third and final out….
The only way I sleep at night is by repeating the promise that I made to myself that day: “Someday I will find out…someday I will find out…someday…” In fact:
I invited a lesbian to this game. However, despite my feverish encouragement for her to make public displays of affection towards other women, I was yet again denied the fabled Lesbian Tickets.
Regardless, it was a great game. Tied in the bottom of the eighth, Howard says, “We get one run and then we get Gagne and then we get the win.”
Beltre knocks one out. Gagne knocks them down one-two-three. And they play “I Love L.A.”
Game Over!
Tim Kirk
